Ted Lasso, a lovable TV character, once said these words: “Be curious, not judgmental.” It was a show-stopping moment in the season 1 finale of the hit show, silencing the crowd with its poignancy.

I remember thinking, “That’s a great bit of advice to remember when meeting new people or dealing with coworkers.” But then I wondered—how would this look with parents and kids? Here are some of my thoughts.

The Hair Bow Battle

I can remember fighting with my 4-year-old daughter about putting a bow in her hair. She had worked herself into a full-blown tantrum, holding her hands over her head, making it impossible for me to even think about putting that bow in her hair. That bow would look so cute—it matched her outfit, for goodness' sake! Then, it became a battle over her not following directions. I got frustrated with her over something as silly as a bow. I judged her, thinking she was being defiant, labeling her as stubborn and strong-willed.

But what if I had stopped and gotten curious instead? Did the bow hurt her head? Did someone at preschool make fun of her for wearing bows? Maybe she just didn’t like them. I’ll never know because I never asked. I made assumptions about her behavior rather than getting curious, which led to frustration and judgment, negatively labeling her.

The Bus Stop Mystery

My son started resisting getting on the bus in the mornings in first grade. We would be at the bus stop with several other moms and their kids—our usual routine. Then, out of nowhere, my son started saying he didn’t want to go to school.

“Oh, but you love school! Your friends are there,” was my initial response. I thought that if I give in to this behavior, it may start a bad habit. So, I decided that he was just having an off moment. He got on the bus and went to school, and all seemed well. But the next day, he said the same thing. When the bus pulled up, he turned to me, buried his face in my arms, and said, “I don’t want to go to school.”

At that moment, I chose to be curious. Yes, I had things to do and places to be, but I stopped and said, “Okay, let’s go back inside.” At home, with a parent who didn’t label him as stubborn or needy, he explained. It turns out that a neighbor thought it was fun to punch my son on the bus every morning. I wish I had been curious from the start rather than dismissive. Thankfully, this time, I was curious and open instead of angry, which allowed us to work together to solve the issue. My heart hurts thinking of where this situation could have led.

Middle Schoolers: Curiosity Over Judgment

What about our middle schoolers? These are such strange little creatures. They need someone to see them for who they will become one day, not just who they are in 7th grade. Prioritize your curiosity over judgment. It might get you strange looks and even stranger answers, but it could give you glimpses of the person they’re trying to become and how they’re trying to connect with you.

Behavior is communication, not manipulation. This age group is always self-conscious, spending so much time judging themselves and feeling judged by their peers. Be the parent who doesn’t add to that judgment. Don’t be quick to label them. Give them space to safely open up.

High Schoolers: Moody or Misunderstood?

How might our relationships change with our high schoolers if we approached them with curiosity rather than judgment? They often seem moody or withdrawn, but what if we asked them about their feelings, their decisions, or even the things they do that drive us crazy?

Curiosity leads to understanding the “why” behind the behavior, while judgment only reacts to what happened. Judgment leads to snap assumptions, which have a nasty way of becoming labels that stick. By being curious, we can see past our child’s behavior to find the deeper reasons or communication behind it. This helps us gain their trust and allows us to guide them as they navigate their world.

The Power of Being Curious

Would being a curious parent, rather than a judgmental one, lead us to the root of an issue with our child? Could it lead to a greater understanding of the person we are trying to prepare for life? Would it offer them a safe place to be heard in a world that often feels like it’s judging them 24/7?

Maybe, just maybe, it could lead us straight to the heart of our children. After all, isn’t being seen, heard, and known what we all want?