"Your young child needs your help."

What was your response when you read that? Hopefully, it was something close to, “I’m here. What do they need?” Well, they need your help in a way you might not expect.

Are you in the middle of the terrible twos or threes right now? Is your little one having meltdowns over the smallest—and let’s face it, sometimes most irrational—things? It’s a lot, isn’t it? Any parent will tell you that tantrums are tough stuff!

Understanding the Science Behind Tantrums

It’s very helpful to understand the science behind a tantrum. Next time your little one is going off the rails because they wanted juice over milk or because the toy they want is out of reach, consider a bit of brain science to help you get through it. Here are some interesting and important facts about what is happening to your child during a tantrum.

A tantrum involves two parts of the brain: the amygdala and the hypothalamus. These are fancy words, but these brain parts have functions that are easy to understand. The amygdala is for processing emotions like fear and anger. Part of its job is to sense a threat. The hypothalamus controls unconscious functions such as our heart rate and body temperature. Its job is to keep the body regulated and prepare it when the amygdala says there is a problem.

The Breakdown of a Meltdown

During a meltdown:

1. The amygdala perceives a threat.
2. The hypothalamus says, “Okay, there’s a threat, let’s get ready.”
3. Cortisol and adrenaline flood the body.
4. The brain asks, “Are we going to fight, flight, freeze, or collapse?” In a tantrum, the response is typically fight. But I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.

As adults, we now have another brain part to use: the prefrontal cortex. Its job is to regulate emotions and make decisions about threats. It helps us rationalize the situation and assess how to respond appropriately. This is why you don’t see adults falling on the floor having a meltdown when they don’t get their way (well, at least we hope not).

The Developmental Disconnect

This is where the issue lies—the toddler’s prefrontal cortex is NOT developed. Like, not even close! Fun fact: the prefrontal cortex begins to come on board around age four very slowly but is not fully developed until age 25. Think of a tantrum like this: the toddler's body senses a threat. Panic begins, and survival mode kicks in. It may be a large fire or a hangnail, but the big response is the same no matter the threat. The fire department, the police, and the paramedics are ALL called up for this threat. But there is no chief (the prefrontal cortex) available to direct the scene. Are you starting to see the disconnect?

Your Role as Their Prefrontal Cortex

Remember earlier when I said your child needs your help? Your child actually NEEDS you to be their prefrontal cortex during a tantrum. This is where you, the parent or caregiver, come into play. Seeing yourself as your toddler’s prefrontal cortex can change how you see and respond to a tantrum. We make decisions for them all day: what to eat, what to wear, when to sleep, and so on. But during a tantrum, we often give up and act helpless. However, we can try a few things to help.

How to Be Your Child's Prefrontal Cortex

How do I act as my child’s prefrontal cortex? Great question!

1. Recognize Words Don’t Matter: When a child is having a tantrum, realize that words don’t matter at that moment. They have a disconnected brain. So, “calm down,” or “be reasonable,” or “stop crying” (things I said to my toddlers) don't work during a tantrum. And let’s be honest—think how you feel when you’re upset and someone says, “Calm down.”
2. Stay Calm: Use your prefrontal cortex. Get down to eye level and speak calmly with few words. Something such as, “I know you feel (insert emotion here). I will stay with you until your big feelings get smaller” may be all that is needed.
3. Stay Close: Don’t isolate them. Ride the wave. Isolating, yelling, and threatening consequences is like throwing gasoline on their amygdala. It doesn't help them learn self-regulation. You are their model for how to begin to learn to self-regulate.

Once you realize that they truly cannot control their big feelings yet, you may have more patience. It may make you more willing to try something new in your home the next time a meltdown happens.

Remember, you are their (prefrontal) calm in their (amygdala) storm.

Happy “prefrontal cortexing,” parents! You got this!